If only they hadn’t set that empty chair beside me on the porch. If only they hadn’t so kindly and so sadly commiserated with me. I didn’t know their words, but I knew they were telling me they were sorry about my loss. I swallowed hard and tried to focus on something else – anything else. No good. I cried. I couldn’t stop. I knew I was being conspicuous when Pat, unasked, brought me the box of Kleenex from the van. That made me cry more. As soon as I began to get my emotions back under control, someone else would come and pat my arm and look at me with sad brown eyes. And off I’d go again.
We were at the village of Pa Sak One. It was the first time I had visited a village since Paul’s passing. Evidently I wasn’t ready! I thought I would be fine. Nope. I’ll wait awhile before trying again.
I’m usually at home on Sundays. Moses goes with his father, Sabat, to the villages while Wichai preaches at the worship service at home. I stay home to teach Sunday school and to play the piano for the services. Our group is small, but the services are always a blessing. I hear echos of Paul’s training as Wichai preaches. And I see from the attentive faces of the kids that God is using his words to reach hearts.
We missed one Sunday of services as it was a holiday – Thai Mother’s Day. The children all went home to their villages to spend time with their families. Not all have mothers present in their lives, but most have grandmothers or aunts.
I was due for a check-up for a particularly pesky eye problem. On my last visit the ophthalmologist discovered several holes and tears in my retina, indicating it was about ready to turn loose. He did laser surgery right then. Ouch! It was extremely painful, but it lasted only about half an hour. Much better than the weeks I spent recovering from the retinal detachment on my right eye several years ago.
A sensitivity to even over-the-counter eyedrops makes them extremely painful to me – like dropping boiling water on my eyeball. I was dreading the visit since I knew I had to face dilation drops again. Even worse, I was having the same symptoms of flashing lights and “floaters” that I had before. This time I knew how much the laser surgery would hurt, so I had a bad case of dread. Since the kids were gone over that weekend, I moved my appointment up. I’m so glad I did! The doctor assured me that the retina looked good and healed well. The flashing lights? Probably due to the “the normal aging process.” That seems to be the cause of most of my aches and pains! I don’t have to dread the next appointment until a year from now. Whew! I’m relieved!
Our usual work has gone on – as usual – in August. We have several neighborhood kids who join our live-in kids for an after-school class four days a week. Some of them struggle more than others, but all are reading and writing in English now. I’m adding in more conversation classes, trying to get them more fluent in speaking.
I’ve also added another class on Saturday. I’ve been burdened that having such a large group with a diversity of ages and abilities has prevented me from teaching them with the most effectiveness. It’s a two-hour class with both English and Bible, but I couldn’t find another two-hour time slot to have a second class to split them up. The kids have a LaHu class in the afternoon.
We want our kids to be proud of their heritage and to never feel inferior because of their ethnic differences. We encourage their visits to their villages and participation in cultural events and celebrations. And Sabat comes each Saturday to teach them to read and write in LaHu, the native language of all of our kids. That takes their afternoon as well as their morning on their “day off.”
Wichai came up with the solution for my class. I started teaching the older kids at 9 am., then have the Bible story with both groups together at 10. The younger children have an English lesson more suited to them from 11 to 12.
I’m hoping the change will result in more visitors from the neighborhood. We’ve already had several consistent visitors who greet me with hugs and smiles each Saturday morning. Best of all, they listen attentively to the Bible stories and eagerly answer questions. What a privilege to be the first one to tell these precious children about Jesus!
Some of you have noticed that our income and outgo don’t come very close to even. Each month our support hasn’t covered our bills. June was the worst with about a $7,000 deficit.
Several churches have voted to drop or delay their support. I understand that! It’s God’s money and I don’t fault churches for being cautious and careful with it.
However, our nine kids still need to eat. School expenses go on and staff salaries and bills must be paid. How thankful I am for those who faithfully gave and continued their support during this time of transition and grief! As I pray over our list of supporters, I give special thanks and prayers for these churches and individuals who gave so the work could go on in our greatest time of need.
Through it all, God supplied. Paul had saved back an emergency fund in cash. I still don’t know how he came up with so much money! We only made $2,000 a month above Paul’s life insurance payment. Most of that went to buy our groceries and my diabetic medicine and supplies and to buy “extras” for the children. He never turned anyone with a need away and we gladly gave of our small income. Yet he had saved thousands of dollars in cash, stashed in empty supplement jars in the back of his desk drawer. One of his last conversations with me as he was preparing to travel to Chiang Mai on the day he died was a reminder that the money was there, in case I should ever need it. That emergency fund made up for the lack in support and kept us going. He had also held in reserve money that was left to him in a will to be used for the work here. Between these two reserves, we made it through those first tough months.
As the emergency funds dwindled and my insurance money was still in the process of being distributed to me, the Lord repeatedly gave us assurance that He would provide. He did! We were sorry to hear that The Sovereign Grace Baptist Church in Davenport, Iowa, was closing, but we are so thankful that they chose us to be the recipient of part of the proceeds from the sale of their building. Our “cushion” is back in place. The support is picking up, and my personal funds have finally started coming in.
We are still in need of faithful monthly supporters for the work to carry on in the future. Reserves have a way of vanishing all too quickly and we already have requests to take in more children as soon as the dorm is finished, which will mean greater monthly expenses. The Sunday School lesson ministry, medicine and baby bags for the villages, printed materials for the English classes, support for the Myanmar Bible School, and, our greatest expense, salaries and benefits for our staff, are ongoing, and so are the need for funds for them to continue. We are looking to our Father, Who never fails, to keep us afloat. It is His work, and we trust Him to supply through His people. He has never failed us!
People always ask how I’m doing. I’m hanging in there. Some days are harder than others – like the day at the village -- but I found I can face one day at a time. I can do today. I can look forward to forever in Heaven. It’s all the years between today and forever that overwhelm me! I try not to think about those years without Paul, but sometimes grief hits me like a tidal wave. God promised to walk with me through this valley of the shadow of death, and He has been faithful to do that. By His grace I’ll make it through, even if I have embarrassing crying spells at times. He is good!
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